Please Send the Help I Need

This electric heater came through church family from someone who had read my blog! The previous bomb gas heater is retired now and saved for storms! I'm very thankful!

This will be the third try at starting this little post. The thought of "help" is uncomfortable. Asking for help?? *Shudder* It's always been a struggle.

Lately I have felt this urging: To pray for God to send me the help He thinks I need.

I am normally one to pray very specifically. If I need $100.28, this is what I pray for. I pray for everything I need. It started when I was a young child. There have been many times in my life when God has rocked my world with his provision...

Like the time I prayed for an answering machine because my husband was a pastor who was holding a second job and it felt like that would help. But we did not have one extra penny. Just a couple of weeks after I started praying a friend called and mentioned that she had gotten a new answering machine but her old one still worked fine and she wanted to know if I wanted it. And honestly, I could go on and on... Does everything I pray for magically appear on my doorstep? No, of course not. God says "no" or "wait" at times. I trust him to know what is best!! Does I only pray for what I need? Of course not!! In both instances, I have seen God answer in amazing ways more times than I can count!

When we brought our 4 sweeties home, I knew I was not going to be able to go it alone. Our church family has been A-MAZ-ING, really amazing. I'm not saying I never ask a person directly for help. I just recently asked a dear friend from my church family to borrow her 9 passenger van for a family reunion (this enables us all to travel there in 1 car).

But here is what was starting to happen in my heart...as people came forward offering to help in different areas (like babysitting, for example), I was starting to rely on people too much. I am not saying it's bad to rely on people. However, when I have a need, I should bring it to my Heavenly Father first. He is my provider. When I rely on people, there lives change and situations change.

So, I have felt it a healthy thing to pray: "Lord send me the help I need." And then I trust... When God fills a need I thank him. When he does not, I know there is something he must be teaching me through my lack (this is my goal).

"I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." ~Phil. 4:10-13

I am all about praying specifically. In other areas, I do. But for now, I am so thankful for God's grace. Even when I don't really know exactly how to pray or how to ask and remember who my REAL provider is, God loves me and is gracious to help me. 

This gift of books came right out of the blue and is on the perfect reading level of my youngest son! By the time he is done with them, his younger sisters will be ready!! 

...Then I am Strong

I love the beauty of leaves, even in the spring and summer! All different shades...

I don't think I ever go through a day without thinking about God being in control of it all. It is a great comfort to me and gives me confidence that I will be able to navigate even the toughest of days.

I've shared this with two friends just this week. Every day, I consciously remember that God loves me, that he has a good plan for my life, that His grace and mercy are new (offering me a fresh start every moment) and available to me, and that HE IS IN CONTROL. His power has no limit. He can work out his plan for me. His resources never run out and He can provide for me. 

No part of my day escapes His control, His notice, His power. He will not forget me. 

No pain is wasted. He uses these things to draw me to himself, to remind me to cling to Him, to mature my faith, to bring to me the places He wants me to be, to teach me His ways, to glorify Himself. 

Knowing God is sovereign, in control, gives me comfort and peace. Nothing and no one is lost to him. He loves my family more than I ever could and is in control over the lives of each of them as well. 

There is not one need, big or small, life depending or silly, that I do not lift up to Him. Through the day, as needs and fears arise, I lift those to Him and try to lay them down in trust. 

Interruptions in my schedule are His. Plans that don't work out are Him pruning my day. Days that look like too much are a chance for Him to display His strength in me. Days without the funds are a chance for Him to display His provision. 

When I forget and start relying on myself, I am stressed and overwhelmed. I start to drown. When I remember that my God is in control, I am at peace and in safety.

"Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, for all that is in the heavens and in the earth is yours. Yours is the kingdom, O Lord, and you are exalted as head above all. Both riches and honor come from you, and you rule over all. In your hand are power and might, and in your hand it is to make great and to give strength to all."  ~1 Chronicles 29:11-12

What I really want for Mother's Day...

I love being a mom and I am very thankful for this blessing in my life! In our beginnings as a family, God gave us 3 children: 2 boys and 1 girl. I have loved every stage from newborn on up! These first three are now 19, 16 and 15 years old! They grew up SO.FAST!

It was not the threat of an empty nest that drew my dreaming heart to adoption. As a mother who deeply loves her children and is deeply loved by her mother, I want every child to be deeply loved! God has called me to adoption and it is a joyful call!

There are millions and millions of lonely children who do not know the unique love and support of family. This is my greatest sorrow. Like attempting to heal from loss, this sadness sneaks up on me at random times and threatens to overtake me. My best efforts to think on other things are thwarted by images and thoughts of lonely little ones. I try to remind myself that a million tears will not tuck in one child at night or soothe one hurt. I try to remind myself that I am one person and I can only do what one person can do. I try to remind myself that God is in control and he is the one to hold the world's children in his hands...

There just aren't enough families willing or maybe able to bring children they didn't birth into their homes. Laws written to protect children also keep them alone. I'll tell you the truth: It's more than I can bear. I wish I knew the answer. 

As Mother's Day approaches, will you pray for all the children who have no one to give a homemade Mother's Day card to? Will you pray for the children who have no mother to give their fist full of wildflowers to? Would you be so bold as to ask God what you are able to do for those orphaned? 

What do I want for Mother's Day? More mothers, less orphans...

"God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing..." ~Psalm 68:6

"Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker,
but whoever is kind to the needy honors God." ~Proverbs 14:31

And So My Heart Breaks

A picture of "Abandon"

The least, the lost, the lonely, the left behind, the left out...

The eyes of my heart dart from place to place, need to need, hurt to hurt... I don't know what to do next, you know? So much hurt and need in the world. Once my eyes were opened, it's impossible to shut them again. And why would I want to? 

In my last post , I mentioned going to a Faith Forum to hear more about Safe Families of Maine . Safe Families connects hurting, isolated people with loving people in churches. They provide a connection that NEEDS TO BE MADE. It seems like we shouldn't need such an organization, but in this busy mixed up world, we really do!

For example, why did I have NO IDEA that there are over 100 homeless teenagers in my school district?? Those with that kind of information are bound by privacy laws. The families themselves who are needing help are bound by ISOLATION. It's a vicious circle. 

I'm not going to lie, it was a tough morning hearing of all the hurt and honestly feeling a little helpless. Am I at the brim of what I can do or is there more? (Welcome to the front row of my wandering mind!)

Here is my prayer:
"The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail." Isaiah 58:11

I want to be "like a spring whose waters never fail!" That spring always has a refreshing drink ready for the thirsty!! Oh, God, I want that!! 

I pray God will help me FOCUS and not WASTE TIME! I want to discern His will, where He wants me at each moment! I want to share hope without fear of rejection. I want to help those who need help. I want to teach my kids what following God with reckless abandon looks like. God, please get me there before I'm dead! I want to get rid of "I"!!

The warning to myself this week has been to not be so busy looking around at hurt that I do nothing about it. My prayer has been to not waste time doing the things I am not called to do that I miss what I AM called to do! 

I'm just so thankful to be surrounded by awesome friends pondering over the same questions, ready to take action, already taking action. And we remind each other that seeking God always precedes service to God. The things we do for God are not more important than our pursuit of God Himself. 

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." ~Matt. 6:33

Only God can give us the ability to be the "spring whose waters never fail." 

When I give God's hope to the hopeless and love the hurting I don't have to ask God to "show up". He's already there, waiting for ME to SHOW UP.

When Provision Looks Impossible

This morning I am thinking of those times when I am looking at a problem bigger than myself and trying to trust that God is going to meet me there and either provide or give me the grace to endure. I am waiting. Are those not just *hard times?*

During those times I am recalling other times when God met me in the *hard* and brought me through. I am remembering how my only hope was to hold on tight to Jesus, trusting Him to lead me step by step through my dark valley. At SOME point, the sun shone on the other side as we walked out.

If you've been reading here for awhile, you might remember what was already said about my doubts in the *night* of Nicaragua. The money ran out, we got down there to find out the kids had not been *legally freed* in the courts to be adopted...there was just a lot to be afraid about. I spent much time holding God's Word up to the Heavens and asking, "Is this promise that You gave me before I started still *good*? Are you coming, God? How long will I wait? Will you help me wait? Will You show Yourself strong? If I came here for it all to fall apart, will you help me pick up the pieces and carry on?" 

The sun has peeked into that valley and I'm walking out in the light of God's victory, won in such a way that screams that it had nothing to do with me but was all Him. And those promises WERE good, and He DID help me wait, and the waiting has both come and is coming to an end. 

Now I am sitting with a friend who is looking at a problem bigger than herself... I'm holding her hand and reminding her of the times God met her in the *hard* and brought her through, I am cheering her on as she holds on to Jesus for all she's worth, I am helping her hold up God's Word to pray it through. Provision will come, I am saying. God has told you to wait, so wait! And I am saying to God, "For her too, right?" And I know His Word says, "Yes, for her too!"

“The poor and needy search for water,
but there is none;
their tongues are parched with thirst.
But I the Lord will answer them;
I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.
I will make rivers flow on barren heights,
and springs within the valleys.
I will turn the desert into pools of water,
and the parched ground into springs.
I will put in the desert
the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive.
I will set junipers in the wasteland,
the fir and the cypress together,
so that people may see and know,
may consider and understand,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
that the Holy One of Israel has created it." Isaiah 41:17-20

THIS is what it means to be the body of Christ. Other's held my hand and reminded me of God's promises. Now I am holding their's. There is nothing more beautiful to me than walking together and helping one another to follow Jesus. 

When we *get real* and let others see our mess and our lack, and how hard we want to follow Jesus, we attract others who are doing the same. And it's so good and encouraging and helpful...and the way it was meant to be...

"Carry each other's burdens and in this way you fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

Gettin' Back There

When we were in Nicaragua, life was very slow. There were hard parts to be sure, really hard parts. But I had developed this schedule that I am now missing. Last week I was telling my husband that I was feeling like I needed a second time of prayer and Bible reading and worship in the afternoon to make it through a WHOLE day at peace. Then I realized...I HAD that in Nicaragua.

My days in Nica started really early. I would wake up between 3 and 4 a.m., often feeling anxious and needing peace. I would get out of bed and go for my Bible and for worship songs on YouTube. I would spend 1-2 hours of quiet with time to read and pray and listen to worship songs. I'd read encouraging blogs and message a friend or two. 

We'd do our day and things would be really busy with meal prep and getting the kids ready and homeschooling and whatever else was involved in our day. Then, most days after lunch, there would be a lull at about 1:30 or 2:00 p.m. and I would spend about an hour on the patio. I'd read my Bible or a Christian living type book on my Kindle app. for about an hour or so. After that, I'd wash the dishes while listening to music and then be ready to face the rest of the day. 

Once the younger children were put to bed, I was exhausted from getting up so early and I'd go to bed, read for a few minutes and then drift off to sleep. During that time, I usually read a Christian living book or Christian fiction.

It's no wonder I am feeling something missing since now I am trying to live my day with just one dedicated time with God in the morning. American life is far from slow. I think you have to be creative and steal the moments. I've tucked my IPOD Touch in my pocket to pull out when I have some time to read my Bible or a good Christian book on my Kindle App. I'm going to try to sneak away for 20 or so minutes in the afternoon to quiet my mind and pray. 

Somehow I am going to get back that time with God that I am missing...before I forget how good that *peace* (even amidst the storm) felt! 

"I rise before dawn and cry for help;
I have put my hope in your word.
My eyes stay open through the watches of the night,
that I may meditate on your promises." ~Psalm 119:147-148

Without Ceasing

I've always had a hard time understanding how to pray without ceasing. I would have short spurts during a horrendous trial where pray flowed off my lips all day, a product of desperation. But for daily life? It's a hard thing to achieve "praying without ceasing" when living a life that's pretty much made of ease. 

The problem was all mine. Not stepping out in faith, not risking anything, not attempting anything big for God, not serving beyond my abilities, not giving more than I had, all that led to an inability to "pray without ceasing." 

A day with some "hobby gardening", blogging, grocery shopping, house cleaning, playing games with the kids...who needs help with THAT? All good things. Nothing wrong with that. But if that's all there is to my total life... 

And speaking of my kids...I am not exactly teaching them to act in faith and follow hard after God if I am not leading the way.

In history, it's easy to find people that slept on a bed of nails or caused other pains in their life so that they would need to depend on God and live a life of prayer. That's not the way either! Causing mindless pain is useless. That is not a life of faith either. 

But when I read the Bible and try to actually DO what it says, I find myself needing constant divine help. I've turned from the world's wisdom to try to do things God's way and I need HIS wisdom daily, moment by moment. Tame the tongue, love the unlovely, see how unlovely I am, feed the poor, tell a neighbor where my hope lies, go to the lost, suffer with the suffering, choose patience...when I really seek to be a doer of God's Word...that keeps me praying!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It Ain't Over 'Til it's Done

You know who I admire? I admire Jacob in the Old Testament. This man was seriously flawed. Flawed...but determined. My favorite event in Jacob's life is when he wrestled with God. Hip out of joint, in obvious pain, he wasn't letting go or giving up. This guy didn't know when to quit. 

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”
But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
The man asked him, “What is your name?”
“Jacob,” he answered.
Then the man said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.”
Jacob said, “Please tell me your name.”
But he replied, “Why do you ask my name?” Then he blessed him there.
So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, “It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared.”
he sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip." 

~Genesis 32:24-31

Have you met people who thought God had enough to do without hearing of THEIR problems or who thought it selfish to request anything from God for themselves? That thought is a deception. The Bible is rich and full of verses encouraging us to present our requests to God. 

Jacob didn't just "politely request". He grasped, he wrestled, he held on... It takes a lot of pain for me to WANT hold on that tight, ready to pray until my "hip is out of joint!" I am ashamed to say, it takes a lot to drive me down to my knees for that long and that hard. I don't want to wait that long anymore.

So here I am this morning. Life is bigger than my own wisdom (which I always was but I can fool myself into thinking "I've got this" when I haven't stepped out in faith into what I would consider "difficult"). I'm quite honestly hiding in my room searching out wisdom from God and refusing to start the day until I feel God's "touch" and confidence that HE is over my day, that HE is doing the work, that HE is building "my house", that HE is working in my kids and in my marriage and in the details and the minutes of my day. I don't just want God in my day but in my minutes and in my seconds. 

The days of easy prayers and polite asking are over. I want to be the one whose prayers include wrestling and writhing in the dirt, sweaty and grasping tight, asking for what looks impossible, not ready to give up until it's done, walking away with a limp...

Measuring Grace

I had a light bulb moment with the Lord yesterday and though I am still searching my Bible to flesh it all out, I wanted to share.

Trials and troubles come in life, right? We all have them. Yesterday, I had a very difficult couple of hours. Let's just say I needed some wisdom from God in parenting. 

Sometimes in those weak moments, I start adding up trials. It's no longer about that ONE problem but EVERY problem that day, that week, or maybe longer. Doesn't the struggle get bigger as we pile it all up together? Now it's not the JUST the behavior of one child in one challenging segment of time, but that child with yesterday's child with the noise the van is making with the broken dishwasher with tomorrow's schedule...and on it goes. 

Yesterday as I lamented, the thought came to me: "Stop adding up trials and start adding up GRACE!" Doesn't God give me the grace to persevere through every trial? The bigger the trial, the bigger the grace...right?? Is that not the COOLEST THING?!! The bigger the lack the bigger God's provision!

Do I really BELIEVE that if God calls me to it, that He'll bring me through it? Yes, I DO!! So why do I add up trials in my head? I should add up GRACE!! 

"Man, yesterday God poured out an ocean of grace upon me so that despite...(fill in the blank with the problems)...here I STAND!" 

Speaking of "God calling me to it..." I am not one ounce stronger than the next person. Adopting 4 children at once does NOT make me a stronger person. It means God poured enough grace into me to adopt 4 children! For those adopting 1 child, God pours that grace into them to adopt 1. Why would He pour enough grace into them for 4 children if He has called them to 1? For those who have adopted 6 children at once, God pours the grace upon them for 6. But I do not have the grace for 6. If He called me to it, He would give the grace equal to that task! 

So, for those who have put their faith and their lives in the hands of Jesus, He gives us the grace to obey Him that is equal to the trial and equal to the task. It is His strength meeting our weakness!! 

I do not FEEL stronger for the changes that have taken place in my life. I FEEL much, MUCH weaker. I meet my weakness daily. But, the beauty is, as I become more aware of my weakness I am humbled and FORCED to cry out to God. And He meets me there with HIS strength. I search His Word with desperation and He strengthens me with His grace through His truth. He has given me answers in His Word and I search them out, more and more aware of what a treasure His Word is. 

Weakness is not a bad thing. We are ALL weak. Without weakness we wouldn't know the glorious strength of God. Our greatest strength on our own is weakness to God. In my weakness, I am strong as He imparts HIS strength!

I'll count my blessings, yes! But I'll also try to remember to MEASURE His GRACE!!

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Craving "Easy", Seeking Steadfast

Fransua, Crisia, Tyler, Ivon, Rachel, Eva, Christian :)

This is by far the EARLIEST I have ever written a blog post, so hoping I make sense here and can complete a thought. I was awake at 3 a.m. this morning. I thought I would go back to sleep until our 5 a.m. alarm, but I am not so sure now...

I've been one of those people who WISHED I could get myself up early...5 a.m. early...and never could...until I came to Nicaragua. At first I COULDN'T sleep for stress, then I felt better but would awaken out of habit...then started to like the peace and quiet and time to myself...then I started LEAPING out of bed between 4 and 5 a.m. every morning. The down side? I am almost a puddle by 7:30 p.m. 

Today we head to the U.S. Embassy to get the VISAS so that our sweet four can gain entrance to their home. You would think that the "U.S. Embassy" would invoke comfort as it is my own government...but alas, it has me shaking in my boots. Their reputation and our experience is not one of them being "helpful." So am praying for smooth sailing, for favor.

I am praying for "easy." I am craving "easy". I am desiring "celebration." I am running toward "trust" and my mind is searching out "steadfast." 

"Create in me a pure heart, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

"My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music." Psalm 57:7

Our airline tickets are purchased (seemed like the highest fare on the planet, praise God they are purchased!) for Monday, January 14th! I am planning on us leaving this house at "0 dark thirty" in the morning and arriving in our home state 40 minutes from my house at 9:07 p.m. 

But there's a document that my lawyer insists is not important as to the small detail that is amiss...my kids' names spelled incorrectly... In the world of adoption, not a good thing. So am praying my lawyer is right and that THIS document and it's lack o'spell check is not important. I am praying this is not another instance of her telling us we shouldn't worry and us watching things collapse around us. 

If you'd pray for us today I would sure appreciate it! Our appt. is at 8 a.m. and we leave the house this morning at 6:20 a.m. We have our translations, our photo copies, our filled out worksheets. I've left spots blank where I wasn't sure since not all of those sheets come with instructions... I've done all I can. I am praying for God to do all HE does and I am praying to make that flight on Monday. 

I am craving "easy". But there's no need to be "steadfast" when it's easy, is there...

"Your steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds. Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your judgments are like the great deep; you save humans and animals alike, O Lord. How precious is your steadfast love, O God! All people may take refuge in the shadow of your wings. They feast on the abundance of your house, and you give them drink from the river of your delights. For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. O continue your steadfast love to those who know you, and your salvation to the upright of heart!" ~Psalm 36:5-10

Just One More Day

There's a lesson here in Nicaragua that I have been learning (There's many lessons, this one is at least in the top two. I am going to try to write as much as I can now before the light at the end of the tunnel is realized and the hard places fade. I want to remember the lessons learned here.). This lesson has slowly taken shape and increased in clarity. It is this:

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." ~Matthew 6:34

All 8 of us thought we'd be home in Maine by now...or that by now we'd know when we would be home... It's easy to let that consume your heart and mind. And that is misery. So here is the only way I can live and approach the day with a smile...

I think to myself, "Can I live here today and be okay? Can I do this just one more day?" And the answer is always, "Yes." Because if I thought I was headed home tomorrow, today would be a breeze! Hey, I can do this one more day! 

So every day is "one more day." That's all. I absolutely CAN NOT look ahead. And I honestly try not to look behind unless it is to marvel at how far we've come and the progress we've made! 

Bad news isn't my only enemy. Good news can be the enemy too. Good news dares me to trust it. It promises a Thanksgiving homecoming and then a Christmas homecoming and then the lure of an end in sight. Good news can be deceitful. So I try to give my good news to God to hold while I just give it a passing glance and live my "one more day." 

I'm looking at today. In my "one more day" I can ignore living behind "the wall". One more day with no transportation. One more day figuring out what we'll eat...on it goes...

God has us here one more day to build our family, to grow in love, to endure hardship together, to make us stronger, to bring Him glory. He has His purposes and I trust Him.

Today, maybe we'll swing in the hammock, paint the girls' nails, decorate the Christmas tree, listen to music, watch some soccer...someone will take a turn walking to the market with Papa, someone else will help prepare supper, oh and the girls' bedroom could use a good scrubbing...

Just one more day...

In My Weakness

My 9 year old son saved a caterpillar from an old flower pot. It would have died there. He placed it carefully in a tree and it immediately began to eat leaves. He happily showed me the caterpillar munching away. In a few days we were surprised to see a cocoon form! Now we wait for life to emerge in a butterfly and he checks it sometimes several times in a day. It's honestly been too long, but hope prevails.

I could not help but see a metaphor in that "there too long" cocoon. I'm waiting, we're waiting. We're waiting for our 4 littles to hear a judge declare: "This is your family forever. No one will come and get you again. You won't have to leave. They are yours and you are theirs. Redemption has arrived! It's time to go home!" And it seems too long and sometimes you wonder if your dream is still planning to emerge. 

I spend time reading books and blogs concerning international adoption, of other butterflies that have emerged, to help me remember that these dreams CAN come true. 

Some days stuff starts going wrong here in Nicaragua and at home in Maine. Some days I find out I've been lied to. Some days the ones who came after us are planning homecomings. Some days you wonder if your butterfly is still planning to emerge. Some days your faith is tattered and you are worn. Some days you're speechless. 

The truth is, as I cried out to God I remembered being in a hurry to get here. I had my own timing in mind. Now I am here and in a hurry to leave. I honestly don't trust myself to know or have the wisdom to discern if I am justified or impatient. I'm a hot, confused mess. I don't trust my own heart. 

These are the days I think are better left off my blog, in honesty. I want to shine a light and all I see on such a day is darkness. Then I remember...

 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

I remember that others are hurting and need to be reminded too. I remember that God's grace in my weakness is where the real beauty is. Who is inspired when the recipient of "ease" is able to get up and move on? 

So, a day of groaning is also remembered, a days when words fail and I am reminded that God's Spirit intercedes on my behalf when I cannot. 

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." Romans 8:25-27

God, please give me patience. Renew my hope that was lost in my weariness. Help me to know, really know down deep, that You are enough, that Your ways are good and it's okay that they are not my ways. That what You do will shine a Light on all that You are and all that the world needs to see. And that is all that matters. 

Complaints

I hit a point of weakness this week where I was sorely tempted to write to a friend or two and pour out my complaints and weaknesses and struggles. It would have been those who know me well enough to 1. listen, and 2. point me to Jesus. But I felt a check in my heart to pour out my complaint to God and refrain from hitting the "send" button. And I am tempted right now to list all the things that are trying to weigh me down. Last night I told my husband that I have forgotten what the joy of the Lord is suppose to look like and feel like. I know my theology definitions but living out my theology is a whole 'nother matter!

I saw a friend post on Facebook this morning about God giving us more than we can handle and then helping us handle it (paraphrase). That's totally the point. God's given me more than I can handle right now. Yesterday I just felt so "under it". I went to bed thinking, "Okay well THAT didn't work!" This morning I am ready to get with God and get it figured out. This is a moment my moment activity, not a once-for-the-day-gee-that-was-great-now-I'm-fine-hey-thanks kind of thing. It's living life on my face before God. 

Every time I think I have it figured out and will be fine-from-here-on-out-thanks, I land square on my butt. Maybe the good news is, here in Nicaragua I get to the end of myself a lot quicker than when I am in the United States surrounded by my *life* and my *conveniences*. 

Psalm 142

I cry aloud to the Lord;
I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy

I pour out before him my complaint;
before him I tell my trouble.When my spirit grows faint within me,
it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
people have hidden a snare for me.
Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
no one cares for my life.I cry to you, Lord;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”Listen to my cry,
for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
for they are too strong for me.
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

Are 1000 Words Worth a Picture?

        I seriously never knew what a growing pineapple looked like! Did you?

One week from today (Yeah, I'm spilling the beans 'cause I can't stand it!!) I will be on my way to Nicaragua!!! I can't wait for us all to be together! My only wish is that I could steal away my oldest son from college and take him with us!! But hopefully he will get to visit while we are there! 

I also wish I could share pictures of our kids but it is best to wait. Instead I'll share a little about them...

They love the beach and being in the water, they love the park, they love bouncy houses...

They love going to the market with Papa, picking out food, and getting bubble gum for the walk home (a pack of bubble gum is about 4 cents in U.S. dollars).

They love pineapple (thus the picture above) and many other fruits, cereal, scrambled eggs, chicken, rice and beans, broccoli, and popcorn. All four of them are not impressed at all with green beans! 

They love playing in the big wash tub that is the Nicaraguan washing machine (wash board + wash tub = washing machine). The younger two love to GET IN THE wash tub! All four love to pour water over each other's head and love being the one receiving the water over the head! They love squirt guns. The girls love washing their dolls' clothing on the wash board. Our son loves to wash his action figure! 

The girls love their dolls, our son loves soccer (His favorite team is F.C. Barcelona; he has great taste!), they all love nerf guns and beyblades. 

They love to laugh! 

They are EARLY risers (look out, my teenagers!!).

They love electronics of all kinds: tv and phones and IPODS and laptops! They love to talk on the phone. Our oldest daughter of our 3 girls loves to listen to Chris August on Papa's phone. 

They are very patient with our attempts at Spanish, sometimes giggling and sometimes saying politely: "Repeato, por favor?" 

They love to sing. They sing "Father Abraham" in English. The sound of the words "many sons" cracked them up for some reason. For days they called my husband "Many Sons" and cracked up laughing every time! 

As far as coming to the United States, they are most excited about SNOW! They also love seeing our little Shih Tzu when we skype so that will be a big treat too. 

I can't wait to be a part of the fun (and the chaos!)! I can't wait to STOP being the MYSTERY Mama! I know it's hard for them to understand when I will be there. I am thankful we have date and they can now count down... I am praying for a miraculous ability to speak Spanish! But mostly, I just want to hug them and be their Mama and enjoy family time!!

Psalm 68:6 says: "He sets the lonely in families." 

For months I prayed that God would do some "setting" into "my family". I am so thankful He has!! 

What Would You Do for the One Who Died in YOUR Place??

Good Friday...today is the day we celebrate that Jesus took our place on the cross to satisfy the requirements of our Perfect God. 


"For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas, and then to the Twelve. After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers and sisters at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep." 1 Corinthians 15:3-6

You know, I can get so used to that fact that I stop asking what would I do for such a Man who died for me so I could live eternally in Heaven. But what WOULD I do? And here is where my world has been recently re-rocked. Would I take up my cross (implement of torture), would I face the rejection of others telling them they can be saved too (why in the world would that be an unpopular message), would I open my home to whomever needs one, would I give away everything I have, would I sacrifice a secure future, would I give up earthly comfort and pleasure...

Am I living my Christian walk the same way I got through High School and College, contenting myself to do just enough to sneak by?

But Jesus didn't stop at saving me. He has a Kingdom for me! What would I do for the Man (who is also GOD) who saved me AND gave me a Kingdom? Anything? Everything? 

Now...here's the passage that has recently rocked my world (mostly because I usually read the "worry" parallel passage in Matthew 6 and seemed to be ignoring this one). 

"And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:29-34

Honestly this passage had been placed on a "back burner" in my mind. I had it in my mind that Jesus only told "The Rich Young Ruler" (Mark 10) to give away all that he had. I had neatly reasoned that this was because Jesus knew his money was his idol. So, as long as my money wasn't my idol I could keep it and make a hefty savings account for emergencies and a sustainable retirement account my goals (Consider the ant, you say?? What crazy ant have you found that stored up supplies to use in 30 years??). I could have a reliable car and an "American sized" home and, and, and...and on it goes...

But WHAT would I GIVE this MAN (who is also GOD)...this One who was tortured and beaten and hung on a cross for me...and then went to prepare an eternal KINGDOM in Heaven and then sent HIS HOLY SPIRIT to indwell me so that I felt HIS presence and had HIS power?

WHAT? Just church on Sunday, a neat and tidy church ministry, a set aside percentage of money, a few meals to the sick, an answer for the hope within me only when I am asked?? Is that all?? Really?? Is that "the purse that won't wear out?"

For the past few years (really since we came to our current church) everything I do I hear God saying, "No, deeper..."

Administrating a ministry...No deeper...

Working one on one with people, teaching and discipling...no deeper...

Youth group...no deeper...

Setting aside time to love on/play with inner city kids...no deeper...

Giving away more (but not all)...no deeper...

(These are all GREAT ministries, please don't get me wrong. But God was/is asking me to go deeper and to get "dirtier" and to give "all" of myself not neat packages of planned hours.)

So I am praying and learning and asking God to teach me to go as deep as he wants to take me. I wish I could say that I've launched myself off the high dive. But I haven't. I seem to test out every lower diving board on my way up...a little higher...a little higher...to jump further and further down...deeper...deeper...

I pray with all my heart God gives me courage to go deeper and deeper still.

What would I do for the Man (who is God) who died IN MY PLACE, the innocent dying for the guilty, and then who is giving me a Kingdom, and his Holy Spirit.

What would I DO?

And I Say Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord!

(This pic represents a blessing from a friend. God sent a meal to me from a friend on a day that I was worn out and needed a lift.)

If God were to tell you that he had something for you to do and somewhere to go, would you say "yes" to him before you knew what that thing was that he was asking of you? 

That's the journey I find myself on. I feel "pressed" toward it. I know the verses and I could teach a class on it, lead a devotional, talk to a crowd about it. But do I KNOW IT know it, deep in my soul?? 

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27

This past Sunday we sang "Trading my Sorrows" and as we would get to the chorus those scenarios that I have been thinking on came to mind and I would shout in song:

"Yes, Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes, Lord,

Yes, Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes, Lord,

Yes Lord, yes Lord, yes, yes, Lord, AMEN."

On this journey I have been saying "yes" to many scenarios. Most were former "no's" that I am turning to "yes." But what was I afraid of? Why would I say no? It comes down to trusting God. The God of the Universe wants me to follow him. He loves me and he has all the power and all the resources. He has already sent his Son to die in my place so that I can be with him for eternity. Anything I would need besides that is so small. He can take care of all of the concerns I have. Nothing is outside of his care: my husband, my kids, my finances, my health, everything. He can think of everyone in my life, he can make his will for me work in perfect harmony with his will for those I love. 

Bringing others in my home that need care? "Yes".

Moving? "Yes."

To another country? "Yes."

Giving everything away? "Yes." 

Giving away my money? "Yes."

On and on it goes. 

But I don't want to be the one in the parable of the two sons (Matthew 21:28-32) who says "yes, I will do it" and then doesn't do it. So I pray that God will make me a faithful daughter to him. It's still about opening my hands, wide, and being thankful for whatever is put there or taken from there. It's about trusting God, loving him first, knowing that Jesus is enough. 

God, give me a faithful heart. Make me a doer of the Word and not one who simply hears. 

Elections and Hope

We want to hope in a new candidate on an election year that we will vote in that he/she will be *the guy* or *the woman* who will *turn our nation around* in whatever way we have the necessary *turn around* defined in our minds. 


Or, many friends of mine are concerned over leaders in other nations,  because they are in the midst of an adoption and they realize that the leaders of that nation have what seems to be the final word on whether their children get to come home and when. 


There's good news and bad news. Start with the bad news, you say?? You cannot hope in earthly leaders. Are you ready for the good news? You need not hope in earthly leaders! 


This is the thought that came to me as I read Isaiah 40 today. The Lord God Almighty does not share His Throne with anyone. He is in complete and utter control. The rulers of this world hold no authority over Him. 


"He brings princes to naught and reduces the rulers of this world to nothing. No sooner are they planted, no sooner are they sown, no sooner do they take root in the ground, than he blows on them and they wither, and a whirlwind sweeps them away like chaff." Isaiah 40:23-24


And following:


"To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?" says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings the starry host one by one, and call them each by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength not one of them is missing." Isaiah 40: 25-26


Can you trust God? Do you trust God? 


"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, 'My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God?'" Isaiah 40:27


Is your cause disregarded by God? 
"Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:27-31

A Decluttered Life...

I love this photo my daughter Rachel took. If you've been reading here long you've seen it before and you'll see it again. I should probably get it framed and put it somewhere I can see it daily. It reminds me that my time on this Earth is brief. 


I can easily get carried away in different directions. Last night I felt God whisper to me, "Don't forget why you're decluttering." Working around the house I start to plan how we could re-do each room, I dream of how beautiful it could be. I get carried away.


Not that it's wrong to have a beautiful house. Don't get me wrong. If God provides that I'll be thrilled. But it's not part of my calling. 


The house needs to be decluttered because "stuff" weighs me down. "Stuff" has to be organized and kept clean. It gets in the way. It takes my time. 


I was reminded last night that I want a home that is open to people who stop by, people who need a friend. I don't want to spend lots of time cleaning. If my possessions are sparse it's obviously easier to keep the house uncluttered. It's faster to clean. 


Time is short. It's time to make sure I am living the life I am called to now. 


Jesus gave the call to the church and therefore to me:


"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:19-20


"He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned." Mark 16:15-16

There's a Kingdom to build and sometimes I forget it's not MY kingdom that needs to be built but GOD'S. And so I declutter and take back my house so it can be utilized for God's Kingdom. 

Last night I realized I haven't even scratched the surface on what it means to give and love in the way that God has called me. And so I repent and live "from here on out". Forgetting what is behind and pressing, pressing on to what is ahead, asking God to give back the years the locusts have eaten. I pray I will spend myself and my resources on that which is eternal and give up that which is temporal.

"Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a leader and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations that do not know you will hasten to you,
because of the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon."

~Isaiah 55:2-7

Word for 2012~JOY

I am completely fascinated by the book of Habakkuk. It records a conversation between the prophet and God. It's a record of honest, gut wrenching searching and resolution. 


Habakkuk begins by accusing God of not hearing his prayers. He is in anguish over the sin he sees around him. He wonders why God isn't dealing with the sin and violence. God answers that He is indeed going to deal with the evil by raising up the Babylonians to punish His people.


This confuses Habakkuk. Why would God use a nation more evil to punish His people? God answers:


“See, the enemy is puffed up;
his desires are not upright—
but the righteous person will live by his faithfulness--" Hab. 2:4

God will punish the Babylonians for their sin as well.

Then, at the end of chapter 2, there is this beautiful statement: 

"The LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him." Hab. 2:20

This is where God has had me for years...understanding and acknowledging that He is in complete control. He has not "left the building." He is in His holy temple. For especially the last six years, I have been learning and relearning this lesson, applying it to different areas of my life. God is in control, He loves me and leads my life, and I can rest, really REST in Him. I can trust my God who is in active control.

But there's more for me than that...chapter 3...Habakkuk recounts and reflects on who God IS:

"LORD, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, LORD. Repeat them in our day, in our time make them known;
in wrath remember mercy." Hab. 3:2

...And then surrender. Habakkuk knows what is coming: judgement, destruction, poverty, siege, captivity. It's going to be bad. But the prophet has made an incredible, beautiful realization. God is enough...take it all...God is enough. 

"I heard and my heart pounded,
my lips quivered at the sound;
decay crept into my bones,
and my legs trembled.
Yet I will wait patiently for the day of calamity
to come on the nation invading us.
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls," (Hab. 3:16-17)

And here comes my verses for 2012 and inspiration for my focus word, "JOY":

"yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be JOYful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights."

I've learned (and will relearn for life) that God is in control and that He leads my life and that I can trust Him. Now, it's time to learn that God is ENOUGH and as long as I have Him I can rejoice and be JOY full. I believe that is the secret of being able to "tread on the heights," to travel where ever God would lead not matter how difficult and being ABLE to do it and with rejoicing and JOY. That's the goal... If there is a New Years Resolution, that's it, though I am quite sure it will have to be learned well past 2012... I'm ready to get started. :)

"Trust"-Worthy

Last year, as I've mentioned, my word for the year was "trust." The verses that marked my year were Proverbs 3:5-6:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths."

Last year was all about launching our homeschooled son into his next phase of life: college. I needed straight paths big time! I had not been that great at doing things ahead or even on time. There were SAT's to take, the decision of whether to retake as many do, the decision to take or not take ACT's, the transcript to prepare (grading is hard!), and colleges to visit (from Virginia to Missouri to North Carolina). There was not only the question of which college was right for him but how it would be paid for. In the meantime there was a senior year to complete and driving hours to accumulate and a driving test to take. 

I need to trust that God knew all about this and that He would lead my son in spite of my failures. I had to learn to be used of God without getting in the way of this important decision.

Through it all God.was.so.faithful! I found him again, wholly trustworthy! God led and provided every step of the way!! At times it just seemed impossible. We didn't even have a college fund! But when God moves, He moves and you better buckle your seatbelt!!

I leaned on Him, hard! I acknowledged His Sovereignty, His love for my son, His shepherding. By His grace and mercy and love, He moved and led. 

As I look back at 2011, I am just amazed. Everything that needed to get done got done. The decisions that needed to be made were made. The money that needed to be paid, got paid. In the end all those college trips and tuition was paid and without any debt. Praise God!!! When I begin to add up the money I can't even trace where it came from, it just did!! We were even able to travel as a family to North Carolina to spend a week moving him into his room.

Christians came forward to provide free lodging when it was needed. During one delayed flight my son and husband happened to be sitting beside a pastor's wife. She assured them (since the connecting flight was long gone) that if the airline didn't provide a free hotel (which they did) that they could stay with her and her husband. She was even originally from Maine and knew some of the people we did. When I say every detail was taken care of, I mean every detail!! 

There were hard days, sad days...but God is so good. By His mercy He does not hold my days of doubt and fear against me but continues to lead and provide as a loving Father. 

TRUST in the Lord...TRUST.