My 9 year old son saved a caterpillar from an old flower pot. It would have died there. He placed it carefully in a tree and it immediately began to eat leaves. He happily showed me the caterpillar munching away. In a few days we were surprised to see a cocoon form! Now we wait for life to emerge in a butterfly and he checks it sometimes several times in a day. It's honestly been too long, but hope prevails.
I could not help but see a metaphor in that "there too long" cocoon. I'm waiting, we're waiting. We're waiting for our 4 littles to hear a judge declare: "This is your family forever. No one will come and get you again. You won't have to leave. They are yours and you are theirs. Redemption has arrived! It's time to go home!" And it seems too long and sometimes you wonder if your dream is still planning to emerge.
I spend time reading books and blogs concerning international adoption, of other butterflies that have emerged, to help me remember that these dreams CAN come true.
Some days stuff starts going wrong here in Nicaragua and at home in Maine. Some days I find out I've been lied to. Some days the ones who came after us are planning homecomings. Some days you wonder if your butterfly is still planning to emerge. Some days your faith is tattered and you are worn. Some days you're speechless.
The truth is, as I cried out to God I remembered being in a hurry to get here. I had my own timing in mind. Now I am here and in a hurry to leave. I honestly don't trust myself to know or have the wisdom to discern if I am justified or impatient. I'm a hot, confused mess. I don't trust my own heart.
These are the days I think are better left off my blog, in honesty. I want to shine a light and all I see on such a day is darkness. Then I remember...
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
I remember that others are hurting and need to be reminded too. I remember that God's grace in my weakness is where the real beauty is. Who is inspired when the recipient of "ease" is able to get up and move on?
So, a day of groaning is also remembered, a days when words fail and I am reminded that God's Spirit intercedes on my behalf when I cannot.
"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." Romans 8:25-27
God, please give me patience. Renew my hope that was lost in my weariness. Help me to know, really know down deep, that You are enough, that Your ways are good and it's okay that they are not my ways. That what You do will shine a Light on all that You are and all that the world needs to see. And that is all that matters.