When a Child is a Miracle

The definition of a miracle, according to my web browser, is: a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.

There's two important factors about a miracle: Only God can perform one. A natural or scientific law must be broken for it to count. We all like to talk about the "miracle of child birth". But child birth is not a miracle but a "normal." It is procreation the way God designed it to be in accordance to the natural law that he set.

So when is a child a miracle?? As I watch my children grow and move through life...

It is when they are knocked down hard, but given the strength to get back up again. 

It is surviving the death of a loved one at a tender age. 

It is being rejected by those who are supposed to love you forever and daring to love again.

It is trying again when they fail and are mocked for that failure.

It is surviving and thriving after being dragged into a frightening situation against their will...a big move, a new country and culture, going where nothing is familiar.

It is looking around in a difficult moment and feeling alone and friendless, but moving forward with determination.

It is choosing to walk into a situation to support a friend when the rest of the world seems to be walking out.

It is in forgiving another of egregious sins and offenses.

It is choosing the unfamiliar as they embark alone out into the world.

The natural world says, "You're down. It's scary. It's too much for you. Don't even try to get up."

 God says, "Get up, child. I love you. I will help you."  

As I watch my children move through this beautiful but difficult and sometimes frightening world, I see miracles. I see them rise again over and over by the power that can only be God. And I am amazed. And I am awestruck. And I am thankful...to see miracles every day. 

The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked.

Proverbs 24:16

A Summer to Remember

As summer comes to a close...oh what a summer it was...one we will never forget...

As our firstborn son married the love of his life, a godly woman we couldn't wait to embrace into our family...

As our second born son became our second homeschool graduate...

As our youngest four children got to meet their Grandma Twombly for the first time and we all got a good long visit together...

And to be reunited with close friends from Nicaragua...

And then a visit from Grandma Dorr, Aunt Lori and cousin Alec...again our younger four meeting Aunt Lori and Alec for the first time...

And a bittersweet time of saying good-bye to Christian as he heads to college...we are so excited for him but will miss him so much between visits...

And we started our own first time journey of two being in Christian School...

While three stay home to continue homeschooling...

Goodbye to the Summer of 2015!! Thank you, God, for all these blessings. We will not forget! 

My Dream of Adoption-Part 1

God planted the dream to adopt initially through tragedy. To make a long story short, when my second born son Christian was 4 weeks old, a friend who was holding him lost her grip when he thrust his head backward and she dropped him. His little head hit a table on one side of his skull and the floor on the other. He was left with a fracture on both sides of his skull. Remarkably, he was seen by a doctor and released to go home. There were MANY sleepless nights as we had to wake him up and make sure he would eat every 2 hours nonstop for 12 weeks. It was 1996.

Our sweet baby girl, Rachel, was born 14 short months later in 1998. She was the biggest and best surprise of my life and was born on Valentine's Day! I was a crazy person concerning her safety. If I was walking down the  stairs I would picture her falling over and over. If I saw a young child holding a baby I would get nauseous and sometime dizzy (I still to this day turn away. It was not a child who dropped my baby, but I saw the lack of control of a child carrying a baby.). I struggled to let anyone hold my baby. I was totally captive to fear. 

I decided I would not purposely become pregnant again. 

But I wanted more children.

I began to think about adoption. There were so many children who needed a family and I wanted more children. My plan was to adopt a child in the toddler or preschool stage, past the point of being carried and potentially dropped. 

About that time we sold our 750 square foot house and moved into another house double the size of our old house. This was 2001. It is only a 3 bedroom house but 2 of the bedrooms are quite large. I remember thinking and saying to my husband, "Do you have any idea how many kids we could fit in this house if we bought bunk beds???" It was a moment when I was joking but dead serious all at once! 

I *convinced* my husband to attend a foster care licensing class. It made sense to me. I didn't think we could *afford* international adoption. I was unaware of how domestic adoption worked. I knew there were many kids in my state needing homes. I knew it was very affordable. 

I say I *convinced* my husband, because he had some misgivings. He had just stepped down from pastorate before we moved where we had counselled a family through their kids being taken unjustly by DHS. Tens of thousands of dollars later in legal fees, they got their children back. But there was much damage done to their children while they were in foster care. My husband had testified on their behalf and the state lawyer accused him of preaching in favor of abuse from the pulpit. Nothing could have been further from the truth. He was understandably hesitant to get involved with the state foster care system. But he was *willing* to take the class in order to gain information to see if this could be the right fit for us.

So in 2002, with our son Tyler being almost 9, Christian being 5 and Rachel having recently turned 4,  we headed off  to Foster Care licensing class... 

Better Together!

I'm dusting off the blog today! It has been a month and a half since I last wrote! So much has been happening I haven't been able to catch my breath. The last couple of days I have tried to reflect on all that God has done. I have noticed one common theme...in every twist and turn of life, God is already there working. He already has it planned out. He is ready to work his plan in the perfect timing. He has gone before us and prepared the way. I just walk the prepared path. He has people along the way ready to bring what we need. And he prepares us to bring what others need on their journey. Honestly, it astounds me and shocks me and drives me to silence before him.

On May 31rst, in a state I have never visited, my firstborn son was married. I stole, I mean *borrowed* this picture below off his Facebook page! In it, he is 10 days married!! This amazing woman he married? I love her, I mean I really love her!! From the first time she met our family she has been a vessel of God's light. She is a healing and joyful presence in our lives. Oh, and just plain fun to be around!

Her family...they were waiting as we traveled from Maine to Alabama for the wedding, ready to help us at every turn. Honestly the whole wedding was a joyful time of great UNITY. When I became pregnant with my son, I prayed the first prayer that God would bring the perfect woman for him into his life at the right time that would love God with her whole heart and love my son. But I honestly never thought about her parents praying for my son through her whole life! They were partnering with my husband and I as we raised our son. And I was unaware of it!

There were amazing people around us during the wedding, most of them new to us. They embraced us and encouraged us and spoke words of life and joy and truth to us! I was filled up!

And I got to spend time with my two sisters and my mom, all together for the first time since my dad's funeral 10 years ago! AND see two nieces and their sweet kids! And my dear mother-in-law (picture to come as she came home with us to continue the celebration!) came all the way from California!

Bliss, people, pure bliss...

When we got home, we immediately started working on my second born son's High School Graduation. My church family was ready to help and celebrate with us!! As we set up where we were to have our celebration a quick count of chairs made us realize we would not have enough chairs!! WOOPS!! But I was humbled at the support and love God has placed around us that we actually COULD run out of chairs!!

Our son, Christian, will be headed to Cairn University in the fall to pursue a degree in History! Now we have two college students!! YIKES!!

Not long after our graduation, our younger four children had the amazing opportunity to reunite with friends they know from their life in Nicaragua! Oh my heart!!! Wild horses couldn't keep us away!! A dear friend set this up for us and took great pictures for us! 

I received such encouragement as I sat with two women who actually paved the way for our adoption of our four younger children. They went before me in every way. I also got a little back story that showed me how God was preparing our adoption with governing authorities 15 months before we made the decision to adopt!! I am preparing to start writing our adoption story. God uses this blog to send others who would like to adopt from Nicaragua and I pray this continues! 

It has been a time of celebration and rejoicing!! It has been a busy time!! But more importantly it has been a time of God reminding me the importance of *community* and how he brings us together to lock hearts and arms together to help and encourage each other! There is so much more to come, for each of us. God is already there, preparing the way. And he is here with us in the *now* as we walk the current journey!! Only Jesus can!!

"Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." ~Galatians 6:2

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." ~Isaiah 30:21

My Legacy

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

What do I want my life to show? One thing I really want it to show that you CAN adopt a sibling group! I want it to show that your family can survive and THRIVE! I want more kids to find forever families! There's too many kids without families. There's plenty of homes. There's plenty of room.

For that reason I WANT to highlight my personal weaknesses!! I don't want to lie and give false impressions of being super patient, super organized, super *anything*! Because I want people to see that if I can, certainly THEY can!

I don't want anyone to mistakenly think that I had or have enough money, resources, time, talent, patience, diligence, love, peace, energy, or anything else one might imagine is needed...

I don't want anyone thinking I am super spiritual. The truth is God took small hesitant "yeses" and made them bigger and pushed my boundaries and borders further and further and further...

God didn't throw down unlimited resources so we could take them and run... No, as we increased what we said "yes" to and walked through with empty hands he filled them day by day for the tasks and needs of that day. And there were days of walking through thinking the provision would be too late. But it arrived just in time.

I've learned that in the same way that God can stretch our physical resources, he can stretch my character...

He has shown me daily through my IMpatience how to cry out for patience and to get back up and try again with his strength to be more patient the next time...

He has shown me how to let a struggling child in my family vent without coming up with all the answers and fighting back...through my offering hollow answers that meant nothing and letting me see that all blow up...

So that I would learn to cry out to him to meet that need that I could not...

He has shown through through letting me argue back to see that I can't win an argument...but that he can change a heart (even mine).

He has shown me through my depleted energy and exhausted discouragement to rely on him to accomplish the next thing...and the next thing...and the next...

My legacy is not my strength. My legacy is my weakness when it meets with the strength of the God of the Universe.

My mind remembers back to a lesson over 20 years old when I was asked to enter a ministry and I shared with my pastor that I was scared and didn't think I had what it took. His answer? "Good!! This needs someone who knows that and relies on God and will not be tempted to rely on self."

My mom came to visit last week. I hope she doesn't mind my sharing this but she's never been a big fan of chaos (not many are, right?). She spoke a word to me that had more power than she realized. She said, "Your life is peaceful."

How many times in the midst of adjustment and explosion and chaos did I run worship songs through my head phones and beg God for PEACE? Steady peace in my heart, peace in my home, peace in my family, a life of PEACE. So when she spoke I realized...my prayer is being answered!! 

For,“Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.” ~1 Peter 3:10-12

My legacy is my weakness.

Aren't We All Busy?

The most common thing people say to me who either haven't seen me in awhile or are meeting me and my semi-large family for the first time is: "You must be so busy!!!" Yes, I am. They are right.

But hold up...aren't we all busy? 

We all have 24 hours in a day. And we all fill more of those hours with activity than we spend sleeping. So, the question isn't whether or not we will be busy. That matter is settled. We all find activity to spend our minutes. The question is: What will we be busy doing?

As I have grown older, I have sensed more and more the importance of spending my minutes very intentionally. I have chosen what I will be busy doing. 

For all of us who have given our lives to Jesus, we want to wake up each day and pray: "Lord, what can I do today to bring glory to your Name? How can I be used to further and build your Kingdom? How can I live in such a way that requires faith? How can I trust you more? How can my life reflect YOUR heart?"

For me, part of that answer is adoption and having a large-ish family. I believe God wants kids in families. I believe defending the cause of the orphan is God's heart. I believe these kids need a family to help them grow to love God and be healthy adults. In following God's leading, there are now 7 kids in our family. 

It's hard work, for my husband and for my children and for myself. But it's living in abundance. 

People also tend to say, "I could never do what you are doing." I'll tell you a secret: God is giving me the strength and the power and the energy and the grace and the love. I can't do it either. 

It's honestly amazing to do something I know "I can't do." It's awesome to work through the day and see good things happening that I could never produce on my best day! It's a front row seat to watch God work in a very literal, concrete way.

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it." ~Malachi 3:10

Locking Arms, Mother to Mother

My husband and I and 6 of our 7 kids recently participated in a "Walk for Life" to support under-resourced mom's through Alpha Pregnancy Resource Center. What a joy to help loving moms KEEP their babies!!!

On three different occasions over the Mother's Day weekend, I heard the voice of a mother say in essence, "I feel like such a failure I don't want to be celebrated." Two comments came from "real life mom's" and one comment in the movie "Mom's Day Out." In one of the apex moments of the movie the husband of the main character says:

"Hun, your job is..."
She says, "Hard, I know..."
He says, "Important. I was going to say, 'important.'"

So true!! I've spent much time over the past couple of years thinking deeply about the role of a mom (and dad!). If you have to wonder how important your role is, spend some time with some kids who have lost their parents. It really doesn't matter how IMperfect mom and dad are, kids want to be with their parents. RIGHT?

Being a parent is aMAZing! Isn't it? It's a unique love like no other. From day 1 a parent would lay down their LIFE for their child. They would give up every penny for the sake of that child. We play, we laugh, we sing, we ENJOY our kids!

But don't we get worn? Don't we burn out? Don't we suffer discouragement? Isn't it hard? Don't we at times feel like FAILURES? Are we not DRIVEN to our knees begging God for strength, wisdom, ability, hope? Seriously, if I didn't believe with ALL my HEART that God loves these kids more than I can comprehend, I just don't know if I could face the challenges of parenting without falling into despair. I've got GREAT KIDS! But I am limited in that I can ONLY do my best!! And that is NOT enough! But I know we have GOD'S best on our side!!

"...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

And, hopefully, we have each other!!! We encourage each other, teach each other, and help each other! I know that many times, this isn't happening. Here is what I do... I pray to God to send me the help I need! I put it in God's capable hands. He knows exactly what I need. Some seasons I need people to come along side me. Some seasons I need to rely on God to give me strength and to grow in Him! I trust God to send the help I need (Of course, it's okay to ask for help to when there are people to ask.).

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11

When help comes I am thankful. When help doesn't come I am trusting that God is doing a work in me! (That's the goal, anyway. You all know I'm not perfect!). 

Many times my refreshment comes from the blessing of helping other moms. It feels good to help others, especially since I have been helped and know how much it has meant to me. 

"A generous person will prosper; whoever refreshes others will be refreshed." ~Proverbs 11:25

I've seen the dark side of "mother to mother" relationships where moms are comparing and competing and judging and complaining. ICK! None of us can run away from THAT fast enough! 

But when we lock arms in encouragement and love and help...what a force we are!! Babysitting, cheerleading, praying, teaching, cooking, cleaning, buying flowers, visiting, reaching out and bringing hope...the list goes on and on! It's so much more fun to cross finish lines in good company!

In the Arena

There are those days when I am just speechless. It starts innocent enough. A child is upset because she doesn't want to eat her snack at the table. And suddenly she's crying about way more than a snack...and I know it...and I am speechless. Not wanting to be comforted because she thinks she's angry about not getting her way, I wait helplessly. We've been doing so well and I can forget that healing is still needed. Sitting in the same room and praying is the most comfort I can offer in the moment. I quietly grieve with her for all she has had to leave behind, for all of the horrible she has endured...

When I want words of deepest wisdom...and arms of eternal love...and the power to heal...all I have is my weak and flawed companionship. I am in the arena where only God can be the hero. I am helpless. And it's hard.

I pray that I will be gentle and that my love will be obvious. But most of all I beg God for healing in the inmost parts of each child of mine, whether biological or adopted. With all I am I fight for my children in the arena of a tough and unyielding world. I try to show the beauty and the blessings that come with each new day. And to point them to Christ...our Savior and Healer and true Lover of their souls.

He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" ~Rev. 21:5

One Little Step...

We love making lapbooks from our studies! 

"If everyone would do what they COULD do without worrying about what they COULDN'T do, a lot more would get done." ~Bill Hybels in his study, Walk Across the Room.

~I only have a week to go on a missions trip. That's not enough. I'll do more harm than good. I should just do something else with the money.

~I'm too shy to knock on someone's door. I can't share my faith. 

~I only have $10. Why bother giving THAT towards their missions trip? It won't make a dent. 

Have you ever noticed how often you are stopped because you think what you have in your hands is not enough? Have you ever noticed how often you are stopped because you read an article that someone imported onto Facebook or Twitter that said you shouldn't do it or give it? 

If I had a dollar for every time I've seen an article that said we should stop short term missions altogether...well, I'd have a lot of dollars!!

But if my husband had listened...and hadn't gone where God said to go...though he was only on the ground for 5 days...we'd have 4 less blessings at our supper table each night...and a dream would be unrealized...and 4 kids would likely still be in an orphanage...

And these friends of mine...who said *yes* to a week in Equador...would not have gone back for 6 years to serve...

Or what if we have plenty to give? Will we listen to other's who tell us where that would best be put when God is calling us to something that seems ridiculous?

I remember a story of Beth Guckenberger who had gone on a short term missions trip to Costa Rica as a teenager. She welcomed refugees coming over the border from Nicaragua. Before leaving, she asked the director what the greatest physical need was. "Clothes," he responded. She went home determined to gather used clothing to send. Her parents agreed to pay to send those clothes to Costa Rica for her. Years later, when she went to send a simple box to Mexico, she realized the ridiculous cost her parents paid to send used clothes to Costa Rica. If they had sent that MONEY, the director could have bought NEW clothes. She didn't even make it out of the post office before calling her mother and asking why her parents spent all that money to send used clothes to Costa Rica. Her mother's answer? They believed God was telling them to do it and they saw something bigger happening; their daughter had a new passion to serve God by serving the poor. Beth also recognized this was the original spark that eventually led to what is now: Back2Back ministries which comes alongside ministries already serving the orphan. Beth has also written several books that spread the hope of Jesus and lights a fire for others to serve. What if her parents hadn't been open to doing the ridiculous?

What if we just gave what was in our hand and heart to give? What if we just served God with tunnel vision, our eyes stayed on HIS leading and HIS Word? What would be different? What if we stopped over thinking and talking ourselves out of every service idea that comes to mind? What would happen if we stopped thinking we didn't have enough and just gave what we had...one dollar...one week... What BIG dreams could start from one.little.step?

The poor widow that Jesus spoke of...she gave what she had and it surely wasn't much!! But it was what she had and she didn't let having little stop her from giving. She had no idea that the God of the Universe would be the one to tell her story to every following generation!! She stands as our example. What we have in our hands is little, but plenty when put in the hands of our great multiplying God!! He makes much out of our little!

As I think of the week long missions trip to Nicaragua in October that my girlfriends and I are taking...I wonder with great excitement about what God will do!! Will some soul find Him as we share? Will a big missionary journey start from a small one? Will God show someone something they could not have discovered another way? Will a week turn into a lifetime? Will long term relationships start from a short term one? Will someone say, "THIS is when God showed me...", "THIS was the moment I knew...", "THIS started it all...", "After THIS day, everything changed...", "THIS was when I discovered I was loved, beautiful, worth it, special, created with love, had purpose..." Is it worth the time and money to get a front row seat to see God work? To be a part of that work? Oh my, YES! Will we let ourselves get talked out of following God even if it doesn't seem to make sense or show up on the bottom line? Heck NO!

Sitting across from the temple treasury, He watched how the crowd dropped money into the treasury. Many rich people were putting in large sums. And a poor widow came and dropped in two tiny coins worth very little. Summoning His disciples, He said to them, “I assure you: This poor widow has put in more than all those giving to the temple treasury. For they all gave out of their surplus, but she out of her poverty has put in everything she possessed—all she had to live on.” ~Mark 12:41-44

More Alike

The person who lives in this house is just like me, with the same needs, hopes, and dreams.

When I was in High School I went through a time period where people were changing and some of my friendships were breaking down. It was a very difficult time but a life changing time as well. I was driven to form friendships with people I formerly thought were too different from me to have any kind of relationship with. What I learned was that if I listened to someone's story for a long enough time, I would discover many points of reference that we had in common. I realized that given enough time, we would realize we were more alike than we were different. It didn't matter who it was.

Over the years, I have learned and re-learned this lesson. I am put in a situation where I think the person who's face I am staring into will never be someone I can relate to. But if I am willing to listen, long enough and closely enough, I will find what we share. Sometimes I must listen longer, sometimes I must get over myself and be uncomfortable long enough to get comfortable (does that make sense?).

Often when I am pursuing a new dream, many of the fears relate to walking into situations where I don't know a soul knowing I am there to dive in with help and hope.

Recently, I showed up at a stranger's door who needed a ride to the doctor. Oh, I was shaking in my boots and praying and singing worship songs all the way to that door. Out the same door walked...someone like me... Why was I afraid?

And I remember driving from the airport in Managua, Nicaragua to meet my four children...scared to DEATH! What if they don't like me? What if they don't want someone else to call "Mama"? But immediately one was always hugging me and telling me "I love you" (and I knew that really meant "I don't know you but how I love that there is someone who wants me to say "Mama" to her and who will BE "Mama") and another who would hold the back edge of my shirt as I made my way throughout the house. I was once a child who just wanted love and belonging and now there were four more who just wanted the same. And we were just alike. And even the ones who were scared to approach me and scared of what I might do, I thought about how I would feel and the fears that I had struggled through and I knew we were more the same than different.

As I think of my upcoming trip to Nicaragua in October, I am tempted to fear as I always do. But then I remind myself. We are the same. We are wrapped in different languages, different cultures, different experiences. But we all need hope and help and encouragement. We all need Jesus. We all fear. If I am willing to listen, I will hear the familiar.

If my present dream comes true, to reach out to the Spanish speaking people in my neighboring city and plant a Bible Study and come along side them with help and hope...I know there does not need to be fear. I know God will show me...that we are the same.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love." ~1 John 4:18

The truth of this verse is that as I reach out in love I need not fear. The opposite of fear is not courage, but rather it is LOVE. Loving another over my own fears, caring more about helping than protecting myself. LOVE is the great secret. 

I never go in alone. God's perfect love for me is what I am armed with. He forever loves me and protects me and guides me and sustains me. I need no other resource. I need no other Word but His. 

"The Lord has given me the tongue of a teacher, that I may know how to sustain the weary with a word. Morning by morning he waken--wakens my ear to listen as those who are taught." ~Isaiah 50:4

Yes, You Could!!

We had a great time at my aunt's 80th birthday party this past weekend and my younger 4 children got to meet lots of family for the first time!

Family Update: I know there are some people who read this blog who knew my children before I did and right now they must be thinking about how TALL they all are!! Seriously these kids have been growing at lightening speed!! They are growing tall and we are growing together!! We are working hard on our school work and still keeping a simple family schedule. We're not doing a ton of organized sports or activities. We're focused on relationships to each other and our friends. So when we're busy, it's busy being with loved ones both friend and family. We've been in the States for 14 months!! Our 4 sweeties are definitely bi-lingual!! They have not lost their Spanish and help each other (and the rest of us) with both languages. Eva, my youngest, is most often my Spanish teacher. Her patience with me is unending. Even when I am frustrated with my lack of knowledge of which form of a word to say, she is calm and keeps me on track! Fran is the king of "Spanish usage" and can explain all the different usages of each word! 

Often when I see people for the first time with my largish family, they tend to say: "I could NEVER do that." Usually the context is: "I could never have that many kids," or "I could never adopt 4 kids at once," or "I would not do that at MY age or stage of life" (as in an empty nester or someone close to an empty nest). 

And I am here to tell you: Yes you could!!! IF you were called by God...and when you are praying HIS heart (an caring for orphans is HIS HEART), why would he say "no?" Just like caring for widows and the poor and oppressed and sharing the gospel with all of these and building His Kingdom...

And with all the love in my heart let me speak some truth: MOST of us LIMIT ourselves by what we THINK we can do. Seriously, STOP IT!

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me." ~2 Corinthians 12:9

Another truth: There is NOTHING in me or my husband that gives us the ability to bring these 4 kids home and raise them but the POWER OF GOD!  Without HIM, we have nothing. WITH Him, the rest is "gravy". 

We did not have the abilities or the resources we needed AHEAD of time. Further, they did not magically appear the day the kids walked in the door. But God is developing those abilities in us. He is providing the resources day by day. He strengthens and matures us for the task as we continue to seek Him.

I believe we MOST glorify God when it is CLEAR to those around us that there is nothing in us to accomplish the task. Then, when we DO IT, it is also clear that it HAS to be GOD!! Then HE IS GLORIFIED!! Others are drawn to HIM and HIS KINGDOM as they WITNESS His work in US!! 

"Brothers, consider your calling: Not many are wise from a human perspective, not many powerful,not many of noble birth. Instead, God has chosen what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God has chosen what is insignificant and despised in the world—what is viewed as nothing—to bring to nothing what is viewed as something, so that no one can boast in His presence.  But it is from Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who became God-given wisdom for us—our righteousness, sanctification, and redemption, in order that, as it is written: The one who boasts must boast in the Lord." ~1 Corinthians 1:26-30

So, I'm not gonna just smile anymore when someone says, "I could never do that!!" I am going to tell the truth, "Apart from Christ I can do nothing. With Christ, you can do it too!!" 

When you dream those ministry dreams, I hope you won't be limited by what you think YOU can do!!! I hope you think about what GOD can DO THROUGH YOU!!!

Doing what only GOD can do is aMAZING!!! Honestly, AMAZING! That step of faith feels like a CLIFF DIVE!! It's exhilarating...and exhausting...and awesome... It brings you to your knees, it makes you DESPERATE for God!! And on our knees is right where we need to be! 

Please Send the Help I Need

This electric heater came through church family from someone who had read my blog! The previous bomb gas heater is retired now and saved for storms! I'm very thankful!

This will be the third try at starting this little post. The thought of "help" is uncomfortable. Asking for help?? *Shudder* It's always been a struggle.

Lately I have felt this urging: To pray for God to send me the help He thinks I need.

I am normally one to pray very specifically. If I need $100.28, this is what I pray for. I pray for everything I need. It started when I was a young child. There have been many times in my life when God has rocked my world with his provision...

Like the time I prayed for an answering machine because my husband was a pastor who was holding a second job and it felt like that would help. But we did not have one extra penny. Just a couple of weeks after I started praying a friend called and mentioned that she had gotten a new answering machine but her old one still worked fine and she wanted to know if I wanted it. And honestly, I could go on and on... Does everything I pray for magically appear on my doorstep? No, of course not. God says "no" or "wait" at times. I trust him to know what is best!! Does I only pray for what I need? Of course not!! In both instances, I have seen God answer in amazing ways more times than I can count!

When we brought our 4 sweeties home, I knew I was not going to be able to go it alone. Our church family has been A-MAZ-ING, really amazing. I'm not saying I never ask a person directly for help. I just recently asked a dear friend from my church family to borrow her 9 passenger van for a family reunion (this enables us all to travel there in 1 car).

But here is what was starting to happen in my heart...as people came forward offering to help in different areas (like babysitting, for example), I was starting to rely on people too much. I am not saying it's bad to rely on people. However, when I have a need, I should bring it to my Heavenly Father first. He is my provider. When I rely on people, there lives change and situations change.

So, I have felt it a healthy thing to pray: "Lord send me the help I need." And then I trust... When God fills a need I thank him. When he does not, I know there is something he must be teaching me through my lack (this is my goal).

"I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content—whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me." ~Phil. 4:10-13

I am all about praying specifically. In other areas, I do. But for now, I am so thankful for God's grace. Even when I don't really know exactly how to pray or how to ask and remember who my REAL provider is, God loves me and is gracious to help me. 

This gift of books came right out of the blue and is on the perfect reading level of my youngest son! By the time he is done with them, his younger sisters will be ready!! 

Quest for Contentment

On the left is "the bomb" as I affectionately call it. It is our bedroom heat that is only on during the day because I am afraid of it. Then next is bucket #1 for water catching and then the red bucket #2 for more water catching and then the basket in the back of Math blocks because school supplies ooze everywhere!

In my post: Praying, Not Knowing , I talked a little about praying for what I feel like I need but being willing to NOT receive it and be pleased to live out GOD'S PLAN over my own. Didn't I make that sound easy peasy? I thought I'd just share the reality of my heart today over the quest of contentment...

Here's the "behind the scenes" of accepting that we are here in this house for now and trying to be content in it. I share it because I feel like we are all here in some way or another in our own lives. 

First, there is the determination to be content and to make it work. And so you make a plan and work your plan. You and your husband happily put your bedroom on the back porch so that there is enough bedroom space for all. After all, you've curtained the glass sliders and it feels kind of "campy" and not all that bad. You don't "hang out" in your bedroom during the day anyway. You just sleep there.

Second, you don't get around to getting that new "permanent" heating solution in before winter hits so you buy a bomb temporary heating solution (because it's okay that this purchase can't happen until next year) that you only leave on during the day because you are scared you will blow up in the night that is what is wise...and here is where the "contentment fun" begins...

You buy a nice electric blanket that has separate settings on each side so you and your husband can both be happy at the same time and all too soon, one side stops working. So you get out that old electric lap blanket for your husband's side the side that stopped working. All is good.

The little foxes have officially started spoiling the vine. 

You're suspicious that the headache you wake up with each morning is caused by your head knowing that it's not as warm in there as your electric blanket tells your body it is. 

And the smallness of the room is felt big time because your clothes and such just don't fit in there.

And then the pièce de résistance hits...you get sick...and you are too sick to sleep...on the very night...the roof starts leaking...so all you hear is drip...drip...dripdripdripdripdrip...as water hits the rug...then splash, splash, splashsplashsplash as it hits the bomb temporary heater...which gets you and your husband out of bed at 2 a.m. moving things and bringing in a line of buckets to catch the water.

Those little foxes pile up. Now I think it was a stupid idea to think we could make a bedroom from a porch that we knew had lots of structural issues. In the wee hours of those sleepless nights it doesn't matter the cost; it makes perfect sense to pay whatever is necessary to make things comfortable. There's nothing wrong with that, I rationalize. Now I'm aggravated with any idea or person who would challenge my determination to move out of this blasted house and into a house that works. My mind flips to gathering supporters and support...

Contentment is easy when everything is comfortable, isn't it? When you've got a plan and you're working your plan, it's all smooth sailing and verse quotingly awesome (yes, spell check, I made up the word "quotingly"). 

But on those days when you feel weak and tired and sick and sore and everything feels like it's falling apart...in those moments action feels like the only option. No price is too high. 

The fight is for rational, truth based thought. 

You'll survive long enough to make a wise decision. You can make it, spring is almost here, you've got time, it'll get better, you've got one kid in college and another heading that way soon, you don't want make a hasty decision you could regret more than the things driving you to action...

So here's to you who are also on a quest for contentment. I'm hanging on to truth with you through the dripdripdrip of a messy life. We can hang on together!! Somebody pass the umbrella!

"But godliness with contentment is a great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with these. But those who want to be rich fall into temptation, a trap, and many foolish and harmful desires, which plunge people into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, and by craving it, some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pains." ~1 Timothy 6:6-10

Praying, Not Knowing

Our home in spring

We've been home for one month over a year. This house that used to hold 5, holds 8 and sometimes 9 of us. Our table seats 8. We have 1 shower. And we love to have friends over and we have one fellowship group and one Bible study that meets here. We currently homeschool and hold curriculum for 6 grade levels. Oh, and our car seats 7 so when we travel together we're in 2 cars. Sometimes life feels quite *tight*. 

*Tight* is not a bad thing, it can have great purpose and be a good thing. We learn to move over for others, we learn to take turns, we learn to get along (strife in a tight space es no bueno), to share a chair. We learn it's not all about us in every moment. 

But there are days when I am crying out for space! I dream of more closets, a school room and a guest room. I dream of a big reliable van! Dreams turn into prayers sometimes. 

Let me give you a peek into how I pray. You can judge if it is a good or bad, right or wrong as you weigh it against God's Word. When there is a need in my heart I come before God with it. I know He CAN do all things. I know He has promised to meet our needs. I know He promised me that if I made His children my own children, He would provide (Isaiah 58!). 

But see, here's the thing... God might prefer us right where we are. He might like to see me get rid of extra stuff, put up some more shelving, and save money for grander purposes. He might be asking us to live very lean so we can help others. OR, He might GIVE us a bigger house (or provide for an addition). Honestly, I don't know. Often I pray out of a LACK of knowledge, trusting the One Who knows all things. 

This is my practice: I pray for it ALL and let God provide what He will. Sometimes I am so sure of His Will that I drive headlong toward it whether the provision has yet appeared or not. Other times I am not so sure and let Him show me through provision or lack thereof. And about a bigger house, I am not so sure. This may or may not be the time to get a bigger car. Who knows? I admit, I don't. But I trust that God has good things planned and I don't want to miss HIS good things by rushing to MY good things. His are always better than mine. 

My style (right word?) of praying began when I was very young. I was always taught and believed that God is good, that He cares about the small insignificant details of my life, and that I could go to Him with my cares. I don't remember ever NOT believing this. There was a few years in my early 20's of misunderstanding God and it led to lots of regretful living. But overall in my life, I have BELIEVED in God's love for His children! I have met many over my life who have mistakenly thought that *asking* is selfish and honestly, I don't get that thinking. "...casting all your care on Him, because He cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

As a side note, I found the Autobiography of George Muller for 99 cents on Amazon for the Kindle and I snatched it up! This man knew how to pray in faith believing! He saw great provision from God for his ministry to the orphaned, to other missionaries, and in the distribution of Bibles and Christian literature. I am excited of what I will learn from him as I read his experiences in his own words! Here it is if you are interested: The Autobiography of George Muller .

So I am praying...and I am making "closet makeover plans" and plotting what I can get rid of...not out of a lack of faith but so that I am ready for God's Will...whatever that is. 

"The earth and everything in it,
the world and its inhabitants,
belong to the Lord;
for He laid its foundation on the seas
and established it on the rivers.
Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord?
Who may stand in His holy place?
The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who has not set his mind on what is false,
and who has not sworn deceitfully.
He will receive blessing from the Lord,
and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
Such is the generation of those who seek Him,
who seek the face of the God of Jacob. Selah"
Psalm 24:1-6

In the Center

Adoption...

It's tempting to think that you can pluck sweet babies young and old out of horrible situations from around the world and land them in your loving, clean, first world life. And they all lived happily ever after...welcome to our American dream...

It's a stiff wake up call when what you thought were the biggest obstacles turn out to be the easy part! You start out worried about things like money. Then later you look back tempted to laugh at your previous, naive self because money is a laughable obstacle. 

The truth is, these sweet babies are caught in a tangle of misinformation, out right lies, governmental debates, lost paperwork, misguided activism, corruption, abuse, injustice, opportunism, inefficient systems, and even spelling errors just to name a few...you did know that if a child's name is spelled incorrectly on one document that the sweet child is not entering the United States, right?  

God leads us into places so much bigger than we are. 

Yesterday's church service started with weeping and gathering and praying around the couple that Haitian courts called "parents" who now are told they cannot bring their daughter home... Is she in a good place? A bad place? Suddenly we are very small and helpless. We just don't know. Only God knows and we bow to Him and pray He rises from His throne on behalf of the orphan and the oppressed and we trust Him with things to big for us. Just like everyone who was there, I am guessing, I woke up with her face in my mind's eye...and I am praying as I go through the motions of my day. I pray to the God who has the hairs on this baby girl's head counted, to the God who loves her far beyond what we are even capable of...and I am trusting the God of miracles!

Our sermon yesterday, the end of Jonah's story, reminded us all that WE are not the center of the story. We are God's vessel. We are privileged to be used of Him in the making of His story. We lean on His promises, we trust His faithfulness. We believe He is not done.

Arise, Lord! Lift up your hand, O God.

Do not forget the helpless.

Why does the wicked man revile God?

Why does he say to himself,

“He won’t call me to account”?

But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;

you consider their grief and take it in hand.

The victims commit themselves to you;

you are the helper of the fatherless.

Break the arm of the wicked man;

call the evildoer to account for his wickedness

that would not otherwise be found out.

The Lord is King for ever and ever;

the nations will perish from his land.

You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted;

you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,

defending the fatherless and the oppressed,

so that mere earthly mortals

will never again strike terror.

Psalm 10:12-18

First Mother

Biological Mother, Birth Mother...I call her "first mother." She was their "first mother", I am their "last mother." 

I think of her often and pray for her when my thoughts turn toward her. I pray that she will make Jesus her Savior and give Him her whole heart. I pray she will be healed of her hurts. 

I don't know much about her. I have a name. I have thoughts from others who have met her. I have what I have been told. Nothing else. I know God knows it all. I rest in His knowledge. I do what I am led to do which is pray. 

I have no fear of the possibility of her re-entering my children's lives. That's in God's hands. Early in our adoption process, when my kids were quickly moved from one orphanage to another, God taught (warned?) me that this is His deal and not mine and I had better hold it all loosely and keep our future in His hands. Painful things in life happen. You can fight with God over it or you can embrace the love, comfort, healing and yes, teaching, that He wants to give you. You can come out better or bitter. I've chosen both in my past and seen the result of both. I want "better." And I believe fiercely that God has a hope and a future for each of my children. I hold on to that like a life raft on a stormy ocean! I don't know the twists and turns of the path for any of my 7 children but I do know this life holds pain and hardship along with joy and happiness. And I know if my kids choose to put their whole lives in God's hands that His last word is always "peace." 

I do not compete with her. She is their "first mom". She gave them life and a name. I am so grateful to her for that! And in a way that surprises me, I feel love and compassion for her.

God always wants restoration and I know that is the healthy choice. I speak restoration and pray for restoration. When any of us puts our faith in Jesus and make Him the Lord of our lives, Heaven is our destination. When we get there, we are promised to "be like Him for we shall see Him as He is" (1 John 3:2). There is SOOOO much hope in that, knowing we will be "made perfect." This means that if two sides of a broken relationship end up in Heaven, there is restoration. There is the relationship you wished you could have had. There's a better relationship than you ever dreamed. In that day, she can be the perfect mom and I can be the perfect mom and we can love together perfectly. 

I happened to just now see this verse when I clicked over to Facebook...and it's perfect...

"Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save,
nor his ear too dull to hear." ~Isaiah 59:1

Aren't They Lucky?

"They're so lucky," the well meaning one said concerning the children that were adopted. It's meant to be a compliment and a blessing, but the adoptive mom's heart pauses and sometimes tries not to bristle...

Because...when she had her biological children everyone told her SHE was the *lucky* or blessed one...

Because she's praying for the healing of these little hearts who have lost their parents, their culture, their ethnic identity, their language, their country, their friends...

But aren't we the ones shouting to the rooftops...

That there's between 135 and 183 million children in the world with no mommy or daddy to tuck them in or kiss their boo-boos?

That statistics show that too many who are not adopted will end up on the streets, in jail, or engaging in prostitution? 

That children without parents are vulnerable to more injustice, abuse, and human trafficking?

Didn't we post countless songs from YouTube declaring that all those kids wanted for Christmas was someone to call mom and dad?

Didn't we share images of rooms full of cribs and babies in them not being cuddled?

And isn't it all TRUE?

And aren't we advocating for others to bring these kids HOME? 

And don't we want to bring countless more kids into our own home because the need is so great?

So...out of the 135,000,000+ kids sitting in orphanages, foster homes, or on the streets...THESE kids are in a home with a forever family...

So yeah, people might say their *blessed* or even *lucky*...

So I'll remember to have grace and that it's okay to remind the world that I am also blessed by these amazing people I get to call "my children", but that I've got to choose my message and not be offended when those I shouted it to actual GOT the message I was sending...

"God sets the lonely in families..." ~Psalm 68:6

The Perfect Schedule

The whole crew! :)

As someone who tends toward being a little "random" in my thinking and life patterns, I am always looking for the "perfect schedule." That would be the schedule that gets 6 kids homeschooled (we've got 1 in college) and the house cleaned and the laundry done well enough that all have something to wear with time left over for a lot of ministry and a little enjoyment on the side. It's a TALL order indeed! You know the adage, "work smarter not harder"? That's always the goal. 

Even a great schedule doesn't last forever. This realization has brought great freedom to me. Often I feel defeated when a schedule I've implemented collapses and ceases to be effective. I feel guilt over a lack of commitment to it and frustrated to be back at the drawing board. I blame my random ways for not being able to hold onto that thing with a vice grip I am sure it was meant to have.

But life changes, and quickly. I don't think any schedule is meant to last. You've got to ride the wave making appropriate adjustments to stay afloat. 

So right now I am beyond excited to find a schedule that is semi-working. 

~7:00 a.m. Wake the troops and get the showers going. Teen #1 showers first so he can get started earliest on school, followed by youngest 4, followed by teen #2 who is more of a night person and starts school later.

~Breakfast follows shower.

~Independent subjects start and I pick one of youngers to work with mom and they take turns through the morning. Get the bulk of your work done and ask for a break to play, and you'll likely get it! Break time usually includes time outside to run off some energy! At the end of the morning, I catch up with teen #1 to see if he needs help with anything.

~10 a.m. usual comes in the midst of the above and is the time the younger 4 stampede to the pantry for a snack! 

~12ish Lunch time, followed by Bible time for all 6 with me. 

~Following Bible time is chore time. The older 2 right now are training the younger 4 to do chores. All 6 kids already put away their own laundry, keep bedroom tidy, clean up after themselves including plates and such after meals. I find is all 6 add one chore that is in addition to all they do for themselves, we keep the house presentable. My teens take care of "after supper clean up", which is when I am D.O.N.E. so that is a huge blessing!

~After chore time teen #1 finishes and teen #2 (who does easier subjects in the morning) tackles the hard stuff. I finish anything undone with the older 4 and check on teen #2 to see if she needs help.

~3 p.m. brings another mad dash to the pantry for a snack. I run any errands needed (which I tend to avoid like the plague but is necessary probably 2 times per week). 

~5 p.m ish is supper.

~7:30 p.m...yet another snack!

~8:30 p.m. is bedtime for youngers.

~10 p.m. ish is bedtime for olders.

In there is some science experiments we do with a friend, an English class for our teens once a week and a french club for one teen once a week. I have a Bible study here on Thurs. mornings. So this schedule has guaranteed interruptions. But, for today, it's working!!! we can allow for invites from friends and other fun (like community pool time, seeing a good movie, etc.) We seem to have enough consistency that We'll see how long it lasts!! Maybe 'til spring?

2014~LOVE

If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.~1 Corinthians 13:1-3

A friend and I (who are both parenting hurting kids in the process of healing) were recently talking about the phrase "just love them." It sounds simple, right? Don't you just picture hugs and kisses, surprises and treats, board games and sledding? All fun and laughter and *poof*...healing! 

Love them. Yes, of course. But love, true love is more complicated than that. It involves wisdom to know what is needed in the moment: mercy? discipline? a hug? a break? a headlong face to face with hard truth?  It involves discernment to know when someone is exasperated or lazy...stubborn or in mourning... Love cares about what is needed and what is best and giving that no matter how hard it is. Love stays and fights...not against but FOR. Love spends all night praying. Love seeks wisdom from God to love better. Love sacrifices everything. Love speaks truth. Love is gentle. Love is steadfast.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." ~1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I mentioned before that for now I believe God is telling me to love where I am (though I have a little "love trip" coming up that I'll share next time). It starts in the home and moves out to invite and include others in. Kindness gives a gift card to the man with a cardboard sign as it passes by him. Love stops. Love enters into relationship. Love gives hope with truth. 

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." ~John 15:13

As we grow in our walk with Jesus, layers are peeled away from self day by day as levels of Truth are added. Did I not know before that I was suppose to be living a life of "love?" Yes, of course I did. But I am feeling like God is going to help me dig deeper than I was before...to learn more...to do more. More selfishness will be peeled away, more of the "how to" will be learned. I hope there will be less times of looking back at a moment or event and having to own up to getting it wrong. I hope I'll stop letting fear stop me. I hope I'll have the courage to invite myself in when I see a need that can be met. 

I don't know what this year holds. I pray I learn to love better and deeper with the steadfast love that God has given to me. I hope I bring refreshment and hope to others. I hope I look in the eyes of those I will meet and see what we have in common more than I see what separates us. I hope I am part of a solution. I hope I bring Jesus. I hope I bring love.